Perfect
by Ryuuza
Summary: Raenef's view of his past, present, and Eclipse. An endeavor for perfection. Shounen-ai.


_Author's Note:_ Wow…this one is a bit angsty.  I told you I was messing around with other forms of DD fanfiction. ^^;; I hope you still like.  Read and review!  And for your typical does of fluff and yaoi, there's another KrayonxRaenefIV fic coming along.  Yaay! *waves flags*

-Raenef POV, tense change is deliberate (past to present)

-could be set anytime in the first 5 books, but I picture it somewhere after the Krayon deal and before the book-turns-Rae-evil deal…

_Warning:_ Er…shounen-ai.  Angst.  *nod*

_Disclaimer:_ Raenef is Eclipse's, not mine.  And Eclipse is Raenef's, not mine.  See how I'm not claiming ownership of anything here? ^_^.

**Perfect**

by Ryuuza

I hadn't spent my entire life trying to please everyone.  I'd never found anyone worth it.  But that didn't mean I hadn't spent my life being looked down upon, scorned, rejected… No one wanted a war orphan.  They were too busy trying to keep themselves, and their families, alive to worry about a life that had no relation to their own.

Priorities, you know?

Nothing personal.

Nothing personal.  No smiles to comfort me, or gentle touches to wipe away my tears, no arms to wrap around me… It had always been the impersonal clink of one coin against few others, and the impersonal glance of strangers who hurried on by, never pausing to ask after the lonely child wandering the streets.  _I don't know you.  I don't care._  It amounted to the same thing.

I may have been young when I lost my family, so young that I didn't remember them at all.  But I grew up fast.

A part of me, the part that knew too well that people were callous when faced with their mortality, the part of me that learned to live on the streets, the part that joined the Thieves Guild with little qualms…that part of me kept me alive for ten years.  How could I not trust it?  But, always there, squirreled inside me behind my jaded heart, there was the other part of me that pushed the truth away in denial.  It was a part of me that wanted to stay pure and innocent and naïve, to have not been touched by the poisonous knowledge of human selfishness… That part of me was small, but fierce, and often dominated the mask I presented to the world.  But behind that trusting gaze and blithe smile was the cynicism and bitterness that kept me from being taken advantage of.

It was a hard life.  But I made it through.  Scarred, of course, for no one could stay innocent in a world of deceit and "every man for himself" despite the desperate wishes of that small part of me.  Every day only made it clearer that there was a line, a fine line drawn in the desert sands of the south, and I was on one side, an orphan, a thief, an outcast, and they, the "normal" people with their homes and families and respectability, were on the other side.

A part of me choked and died every time a warm gaze turned to cold ice as they laid eyes on me, every time my ears caught laughter that was colored with mockery, every time a voice said "Get away!" in disgust… I never tried to live to please those people, for I'd learned early that I never could.  And after I recognized what they were like, I didn't really want to.

But still, that desperate, wishing, naïve part of me wanted reassurance.  Wanted to be able to please someone and see an answering smile on their face.

That someone came in the form of Eclipse.

He saved me.  Me…and not only me, but the whole Thieves' Guild.  And I went with him.  The glimpse of his cold garnet eyes and perfect pale skin and long ebony hair had done nothing to counter his cruel demon status, and yet my heart had lurched and my "pure" side overrode all other systems in a hostile takeover.  I was going with him.

I'd loved him since the moment I laid eyes on him.  The "demon lord" bit didn't matter to me; I'd followed him because the innocent part of me clamped onto him and refused to let go.  He awed me, with his powers, with his presence, with his utter lack of emotions—unless, that is, I'd frustrated him past the point of tolerance.  He was my…everything and I stumbled through basic spells and demon etiquette all for his sake.  For seeing the frustration ease from his expression and be replaced by a satisfied glint in his eyes.  To have my actions be approved by an accepting nod.  To be with him, by him, near him...

I've finally found someone I'd give everything to please.

I'll never be enough.

My cynical side tells me he doesn't care.  He is merely my tutor, assigned to make me an accomplished and acceptable demon lord.  I cannot be a disgrace for that would bring shame upon him.

Sometimes I cry into my pillow at night on my luxurious bed of silken sheets in a palace that is "mine."

The part of me that knows too well the selfish motivation of all living creatures shies away from my teacher.  But my trusting eyes see him in beauty and I cannot leave.  So I stay and I try and continue to try and will forever try…for him.

But I'll never be good enough.  And he'll never look at me with the affection I year for or touch me with the gentleness my body craves.  I will never hear the words I am willing to sell my soul for.

Because I know he is all that is perfect.

And I, I can never even touch him.

All I do will never be enough.  Never right, never proper, never the perfection that needs to be because I was not raised to be royalty.  I was raised on the streets by pity and hate and disgust.  I grew up in the home of dishonesty and loneliness was my best friend.  Until I met Reality.

_What the--?  Guards, guards!  Get the guards and catch that little—hey you!  Get back here, you little thief!_

Everything I do is wrong.  I can see it in his eyes, the frustration, the exasperation… Not only do I shame him in my ineptitude, I bring him physical harm as well.  How could I be such a fool?  I am such a fool…I will never bring him any joy.  He was injured because of me, for me, for my foolishness… The sacrifices he must have made to try and mold me into a proper demon lord.

His name is smeared by my incompetence.

Have I ever said I'm sorry?

I am.  I'm sorry, Eclipse.

Once, typical of me, I managed to mix up my magic and the blast knocked three chairs over and I skidded across the floor on my backside.  My heart keened at the look of disappointment in his eyes when he held out his hand to help me up.  He asked me if I was all right.  I looked at him, heart hurting, and saw his beauty, his perfection, like a crystal dewdrop that would never be the same once contaminated by human touch—_Dirty little brat_—  "Yes," I lied.

I thought I could make him proud of me.  _Moron_.

He tries to hide it, all the emotions he knows he deserves too well to experience, because a servant is not supposed to judge his master.  So he reassures me, acting as if it doesn't matter that his honor has been besmirched, his name mocked, his very existence satirized by my failure.  But I have the eyes of a thief and I can see the pain that weighs down his heart.

I wish I could be perfect.  Then he would smile.  He would be pleased.  He would be honored again and I might have a place in his life.

I love you Eclipse, I could whisper.  I love you, I love you so much… I'd say it to him softly, every day, until the warmth in his gaze melted the jaded ice around my heart and dissolved the memories.

_Who could love a filthy child like you?  Get out of my sight!_

I picture him in my mind a lot.  He is so beautiful.  And in my mind, in my dreams and wishes and hopes, he loves me.  My innocence embraces denial, for it is in it that I still exist.

Flashes of my past come back to me—hands slapping, voices yelling, the pounding of running feet and outraged yells and soft double-edged pity and the weight of hateful glares.  "Wretched little thief."

I'm always embarrassing Eclipse.

I wish I were perfect.

_end_

_More notes:_ Review please!  And watch for another DD fic…probably KAR4 and EAR5.  Eheheh…those would make funny looking license plates… *sweatdrop* Hai, I is weird, I knows.


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